Forgetting yourself

Life has an amazing way of showing you what you fail to see. It has a funny way of helping you comprehend the life you are leading. I am in the cross roads of an amazing journey. A journey of self understanding. Have you ever imagined how life would be if you can see your reflection? Not your physical reflection but something even more deeper. A self reflection played out in front of your everyday life.

A few days ago I was busy working on something when I heard this man giving a speech, let me share this with you. Ten men were crossing a river and when they reached the other side, they started to have a head count but each time he counted, he only had nine people and everyone assumed that one of them had died in the river and begun to grief for him. That was when an old man who was passing by enquired about what had happened to which the chief narrated the story and the old man counted the nine man and when he came to the Chief he said, "you forgot yourself". Many of us would have heard many versions of this story but the important thing is sometimes we are so engrossed in doing what we have to do we leave ourselves out of the equation. We tend to search for the person when he is just there, in this case you. Many try finding themselves by trying to make sense of the life in an organized manner. But sometimes the key is just to let go.

In my crossroad its something I am currently learning, its not that easy at time when you try to do it yourself but sometimes waiting and going with the flow helps and then you discover life is not that complex as it seems. But I have to say it is a river that still waits to gush down but tries to slow down with the rhythm of time.

2nd Entry of Randomness

The same day and this is my second post of randomness during the Asean Youth Festival. Dying from exhaustion. I am publishing now in case I forget and delete them completely. No editing either. Interesting isn't it?

Randomness TWO

The short stories of live is never ending. They are always filled with excitement, entertainment and full of expressions. The idea of finding yourself is amazing and better still is the creation of self. I think God created us but we create ourselves through experiences. In HIS/ HER big scheme of life, nothing is certain. We are always in creation and creating ourselves. I would like to create myself and I think I have done so but that is a creation of my social experiences put together. But what about the creation of me? What am I when I don’t have that social experinece? What is me when I don’t experience the things I am experiencing now? I maybe dead. But isn’t being dead is also an experience? Isn’t it a creation to? The creation of death perhaps. The idea of creating me is amazing. Is there an initate me? In that case wouldn’t I be like everyone else? Maybe yes, Maybe no. I don’t know. Do you? I suppose not. I bet you don’t even understand what I am talking about. I don’t understand what I am talking about either but it does seem a lot of fun just talking in random motion. A movement of ideas that seems not relevant but very much relevant at times. Where am I going with all this talk, I don’t know. I know its rethoric but its impact is to make you think. You think philospohers do that? I feel like I am a philosopher right now. But am I really one? I don’t know. But philosophy is something that no one can explain. It makes sense and yet it does not. It goes in school and yet the big question is never answered. The idea is that philisophy is to make you think about the bug questions in life and yet never find the soultion to the question. The solution is somewhat left to the cosmic sphere. Everyone has a philisophy. The only difference between learning philospohy in school and having your own philosophy is that you are thought to think in the way astounding people think. But the thing is that you are actually thinking about ideas and questions that people have no answer to. You have the same questions and answer the only difference is that they choose to think abit different and you are not born in that period of time. I hope I am right and that I am not complimenting any insult to anyone. Forgive me if I do. But that’s life.

A random experiment

A tired day two weeks ago during Asean Youth Festival and I decide to just write and write without any agenda and this is what I came up with. No editing whatsoever

First Random Writing

It was a lonely passage and I was wondering what people actually do when they have nothing to do at all. The idea sounds stupid and even contradictory at times. But think about it for a second, what would you do when you have nothing to do at all? I am not talking about finding something to do when you are bored or going to bed etc. I am talking about your brain. What happens when you find yourself at a junction whereby your brain does not have a motive in what it is doing? There is no reason nor rhyme in what you are doing. It is not a routine act but a rather random one. You are not doing it because you want to do it but you are doing it because you just feel like doing it. I am not saying that your mind is not thinking. Your mind always thinking. It has to and it will. You are just a mechanism controlled by your mind which is doing something at every second of your life. That is what you are and that is how you function. The act of routine randomness is an art of life. Your brain chooses to act on an arranged randomness. For instance, I am now writing this out of mere stoning. I have no concrete plan to write. I am just tired and have begun writing. No agenda whatsoever. My sentences are constructed based on the sentence before. Sometimes I am just writing just like how I blabber when I am tired. The only difference is that I am typing it down. I do not intend to correct any mistakes in this piece. I am just writing. Like my journey in life I am writing and I have no idea where it will lead. I don’t even know if there is a thesis in my piece and whether I am coherent. I am just writing cause I am tired. Just tired and letting my mind do something which I don’t usually do. Its amazing I am thinking and yet not thinking in the way people do. I wonder if the idea of thinking is by itself a social construct? What it is? What if thinking has no direction? What if thinking is just some idiot whose brain is bored and decided to do something so it can develop? What if thinking is something that we don’t have to learn, we don’t have to be thought to think because we do that naturally. I wonder if the purpose of thinking is not to make you smart but to allow this unexplainable development to develop for no utter reason? Do I make sense? Do you understand the flow of my argument? I don’t know and I certainly don’t. I don’t even know what I have just written a couple of minutes ago. But that is thinking for me. It is something that sparks on and on till you grow mad realising that you will never ever find a solution to not thinking. I like thinking! Do you?

The Crimson Rose

http://www.flickr.com/photos/52803386@N00/2406317425/

A sudden inspiration that sets me to write this poem

The Crimson Rose

She waits in anticipation
She waits for her time to bloom
A never ending wait it seemed
But a wait she chose to carry out

The time has come, she blooms
Slowly but beautifully unfolding
Amist the others in the garden,
She slowly blossoms in the arena

Visitors all around here, intrigued
A sight she was and many adored her
But all were just passing her by
Frequently visiting her for company

One stood alone, a visitor of the past
A past that stole her heart instantly
She waits for him, glancing for a look
He buzz around with no advancement

She waits, meanwhile another arrives
Entertained was she but not intrigued
He advances, she rejects and waits
He moves away but still frequents her

The crimson rose still awaits
She knows she still has time
She has only started to blossom
But her heart has already blossomed

The crimson rose still awaits
She awaits for that visitor of past
Time has made her think of him
Now she awaits but for him?

I ponder...

Penthesilia

In the silence of Ouranous,
Sat one girl staring far out
Thoughts none other than Achilles
Her own Achilles, set a sail
In a journey across Pontus

A journey that she took lightly
A journey that she shed no worries
A journey of which she thought none
A journey that now weighed upon her
A journey of her own turmoil

She pondered restlessly, moving
What is to become of her now?
She never imagined to be caught
In the very web she spinned
A web of play, a web of distance

Was valiant Achilles to be trusted?
He who desired Deidameia before
He who now desires Penthesilia
A desire that rose from her deathbed
Achilles a man of words or desire?

Achilles, man of complexity,nonetheless,
Was she to be his Penthesilia,
Sealing both their faiths in tragedy
Too early to say but too late to move out
The battle has begun, confirming casualty

Only time will tell, says Achilles
Penthesilia fights as long as she can
She knows she is fighting a losing battle
She has no choice, she fears to stop,
Caught in a dilemma she dreads

She waits, staring at Ouranous
His beauty engulfing Gaia in silence
She waits for the return of Achilles
The warrior she does not trust
She waits for him in silence

Losing Faith

Love was totally in distress. No matter what she did, it appeared over and over again. Her eyes watered and once again she got up and set her wheel at automatum. She walked back to the thread cocoon case to have yet another look.

"Love that’s the third time you are walking to the cocoon case" remarked Life.

" I can’t help it. I just hate what I am seeing. Having it in two colors was already confusing enough. But this time it is terrifying" cried Love. Life sighed. Things are not looking well in the room. Just a few days ago love’s thread had changed color once again. But this time it has not only caught Love but all three sisters in a traumatic shock. The thread had turned Black! This was the first time this was happening. Once in a different time frame, love’s thread has turned brown but never black. Things were not getting any better. The threads continued to become darker and darker until it was as peach as the night of the first earth years. Nothing whatsoever love could do to change it back to its original color.

Faith wasn’t doing that well either. Her thread seems to be breaking at the roots. Each time it ran through her wheel there seems to be splits at the end of the thread. It was the first time that Life has seen Faith looking glum and depressed. It was usually Faith that was the wise among the three and the one giving insights and advise to the other two. But today she herself was lost in her thoughts of dilemma.

Life could not take it anymore. Her thread was running fine except for the occasional knots. But this was not only the work of one person it was the combination of all three and the other two thread were a disaster. Life was very frustrated. She got up from her wheel fuming.

"That’s it. I cannot take it anymore. This is terrible. What in the world is going on? Can someone care to give an explanation? I am sick and tired of seeing black, black, black from Love and that face of yours Faith, I swear, would kill any new born child"

Faith kept mum. Her eyes still looking at the thread that was splitting in her hands. Life waited for a response and Faith did not seem to be even giving the slightest notion of attempting to answer her question. Life let out a loud scream and seat down.

"She has lost faith" came a reply. Love and Life turned to face Faith. She was still staring at her the thread that was splitting in her hands.

"You mean she has lost faith in HIM?" whispered Love.

"No, she has lost faith in herself. She has lost what she fundamentally believe in. She has lost me in her. She no longer believes or choose to believe in whatever is part of her"

"I don’t understand, how can she have no faith and yet believe in HIM?" asked Life.

"It is simple she believes in Him that is why your thread is running well Life. But she has lost faith in what she believes. She has lost faith in her power, she has lost faith in her intution. She doubts herself. She has lost faith in love. She no longer believes in love"

Love gasped , "But Faith, if that is so how come this time my thread is black and not brown?"

For the first time, Faith looked up and faced Love and frowned, "That is what I don’t understand"

"Maybe I can shed some light" replied Life. She got up and went to have a look at her thread in the pile of sewn and stitched plait. She ran her hands up and studied it intensively. Her face turned from intense curiousity to empuzzlement then to somewhat a sad impression. She got up and looked at Love

"Oh love, I know why your thread is turning black. She is trying to forget to you" Love let out a loud gasp. Life continued, "Love do you remember the two thread we saw before, the red and the blue? Well, the blue no longer plays an important part for her. The red on the other hand is her first love. She is trying to forget her first love. She is forcing herself to do that. It is killing her."

"I don’t understand why is she so cruel to do that?" cried out love, tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Well apparently she is afraid that her love will never return to her so she must well kill it before it kills her" replied Life

"But why is she losing me then?" questioned Faith. "That’s simple Faith, she cultivated that love because what you showed her and now she choosen not to believe in you because she wants to destroy that love that she has cultivated "

Love collapsed and cried. "Why does she have to do such mean things to hurt us?" Faith ran to her side and comforted her.

"Well, you know its not easy for her. She is killing herself. No matter what she does it hard to forget her first love. In fact despite what she is trying to do in her heart, her actions do not reflect it. She is trying to do something that she really hates and learning to live with it"

"So how now? What is the solution for that?" questioned Faith

"I don’t know. We just have to wait and see what happens. Only Time will tell… only Time will tell" sighed Life. And the wheels kept on running.

picture from: https://www.1st-art-gallery.com/thumbnail/137345/1/At-The-Spinning-Wheel.jpg

To love or be loved

Three women set about their daily jobs, spinning the wheels of time. One was name Faith, the other Love and the last one Life. They spun the wheels on and on when suddenly Love gave a loud gasp. The others looked up from their wheels though their feets still pressing on the paddle of the wheel.

"What seems to be the problem Love?" asked Faith.

"Come take a look" repiled Love. The other two set their spinning wheels to automatum (thanks to techonolgy) and came to see what had troubled Love so much.

Love was staring rather confused at the thread that was running in her hands. Faith and Life wondered what she was staring at. As they looked they saw something amazing, the white thread was splitting itself into two before it went into the spinning wheel. As it entered the wheel it the threads changed into two different colours. One turned blue while the other turned red. This was obviously strange for the rule was that, any thread that goes into the spinning will change back to white which is combines together with Faith and Life's works.

"Aye! This is strange Love. How come the thread is not changing back? There is something obviously wrong. Did something happen?" enquired Life. Love got up and went to open her thread case which she has not done for a long time. When she did so, what she saw surprised her. Half of the thread cocoon was white but the edges of the thread was made up of blue and red. Love panicked. Something was happening but she could not understand what. She turned and beckon the other two. Life was puzzled as well but Faith smile.

"Why, love can't you see what is happening?" asked Faith. Love shook her head.

"It is a dilemma my dear love. It is the thread of the heart. The red one symbolizes the true love while the blue represents the love one begets but may not truely desire. The heart loves but fears that its love is nothing but only of an illusion. But at the same time, it begets love in which it is happy with but truely does not feel any form of happiness. The dilemma to which the heart has no idea which to let go"

"Why isn't that simple? The heart should choose to love the love it begets instead of holding on to a love that may an illusion" repiled Life

"Alas, if only the matters of the heart is that simple. The heart loves and yet is afraid that it will not be loved in return. The doubt that the heart has is stopping it to procced on. What if what the heart loves is not what keeps it happy and what if the love it begets is the one that will satisfy the heart?"

"But then the heart has to make a decision if not it will affect all our work, inclusive of yours" cried Love

"It has to take the leap of Faith" repiled Life

Faith smiled, "Yes, but the heart must be willing to take the risk. A risk that it does not want to take. It is begging for more time"

"Well... time is something that we all know is unpredictable. If the heart is not going to make a decision then as Life i will have to decide"

Love looked at the both of them and stared back at the thread that was still spilting itself in her hands.

picture from: http://www.sikh-heritage.co.uk/heritage/WoP/wp6.jpg

Knowing what you want

I had the pleasure of attending a friend's wedding over the weekend and it really was an interesting ceremony and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Funny huh? How can wedding be that entertaining? Don't mistake me, but this is a normal church wedding ceremony but what is interesting is the content of the wedding. In the wedding we had certain speakers who shared their experience of being married and my friend shared her story how she met her husband. Let me share that story with you as my entry is the reaction and reflection of what she had shared.

At the age of 21, my friend attended a talk organized by her church on single hood. During that talk the speaker shared with the participants her views of what kind of men a girl should look out for. She listed the following five of which I could only remember four. Firstly the guy must be God fearing so he does not stray after marriage. Second he should be responsible, after all its about sharing life and responsibility. Third is that the guy must be mentally stable. This I so agree there are weirdos out there but, yes, you do need matured guys. The last one i remember was the guy must love you for who you are. Now when my friend met her husband she knew that he had all that but the problem was that she did not like him. After two years, she finally said yes. So she was telling us that for five years she prayed for this. She told us singles that we could add in the fact that we should like the guy. She was telling us that we needed to be specific and ask GOD cause he cannot just read our mind, which is true because he has a lot more to do.

At first I agreed but after much thought, I question myself, how do we know what we want? Let's say these are the qualities we want but then the guy is old and married then how? I mean my friend was lucky she found someone that suits what she wanted and she was his first girlfriend but not everyone gets that. And what if what we want and desire is not something that will keep us happy and what if what we don't want keeps us happy? What do we choose then? Many a times my mother told me that we will learn to love someone, lets assume that God gives us someone we don't favour but my argument is yes we will learn to love but what happens when you married this person and then discover your 'right' man? What are you going to do? Moralistically you can choose to live with the person and forget about the other 'right man" (which is called compromise) or you could leave your spouse and go leave with that person. Go watch the bollywood movie Kabi Alvida. To sum it up, the idea of compromise is not something that is easy to live with. As I was discussing with my friend, Gurpreet, learning to love a person is very much different from loving the person. For instance you love GOD, you don't learn to love him. When you learn to love someone it is easier to be swayed when you discover something more desirable. You cannot learn to love someone, you need to love the person because you really love the person at free will.

That brings me to the second notion, what if the person you love is for the wrong reason? Over the course of four years in my Uni, I have seen couples who have been together and then broke up after four years. The reason is that they realise that they no longer love each other. But how could you not see that in the four years that while you were together? Then you realise that many people don't understand what they are getting into when it comes to relationship. What do you want out of a relationship?

Thus, the idea of knowing what you want is not easy especially when it comes to relationship. You see I have not been in a relationship but the way some guys treat me sometimes I feel as if I was in a relationship and went through a lot and ended up with a break up. The catch here is that, I wasn't even in a relationship with them in the first place. But as I mention in the blog post before, the problem is that they assume that I knew what they were talking about (i.e these guys already assume that I know that they are interested in me) and go about treating me as if we were in a relationship already. At times I find it hilarious but in reality it can be really traumatising. Life is complicated and amazingly interesting for me. These experiences make me think about what I want and what I need. I feel at times I am doing a life anthropology course exploring myself and society I live in. I have become the subject and the object of my own study.

Like what my best friend Cassius always say to me when she seeks me for relationship problem is that ," For a girl who have never had a boyfriend, its ironic I am seeking advice from you on this subject" To which I reply that it is because I give another perspective and that when you are not in that situation you tend to think rationally. My biggest concern however is that when i do get into a relationship, I wonder how I would view it in that situation. Well I shall never know until I get into one. But again what if i do get into one without realising it, then how??? Sigh there is no right or wrong answer

Perceptions and Assumptions

This is my first entry for the year and as one can infer from this entry that I have been so busy having my date with time that ironically time had robbed me of time for myself. So many things have happened and one can say that I have gained and lost and most of the time left flabbergasted and confused cause things are moving way ahead of me. A mist of this roller coaster ride both physically and emotionally I usually try to find time to analyze what is happening in my life and sometimes it works when you can sit down and talk it out.

I am not at the stage of my life where once again I am involved with so many projects and assignments and not forgetting school that is supposedly my first priority (I usually forget that). It is good to feel the gust of the race but sometimes it can be tiring. Sometimes when I feel so tired and voice it up, people think I am complaining or they ask me why I take on so much things at the same time. However, they don't realise that I am not complaining but actually just thinking aloud and reminding myself that I have certain task to full fill, perhaps the way I express it varies according to the people who hears it.

Talking about perceptions and assumptions, I learned very valuable lessons during the past two months. Sometimes we have a certain perception and assume that the other person knows about it. But the truth is that the other party may not know what you are thinking. A person's thought is very relative and subjective in nature (DUH!!!) but most of the time we make the mistake in certain circumstances to assume the other party knows what you are thinking. Such an assumption is fatal in most circumstances. A person does not know what you are thinking until you tell them what you are thinking. Mostly when you don't tell them what you feel then you will think that the other person is playing mind games when he or she is not reacting to how you expect them to behave. One may think that this is common sensible in nature, but the truth is many of us don't really realise that. We tend to do it over and over again. Sometimes I feel the best way to solve thing is to clarify things but you see another problem that arises is when the other party refuses to clarify because he or she is totally involved in their own world. Trying reasoning out and telling them that they will tell you that you don't understand them and that they are incomprehensible. Trust me that it can be frustrating at times but after a while you learn to live with it because the other person has decided to move away from the situation without realising that they are running away and that there is no closure to the problem. So what do you do? You learn to move on. But for a person like me, I do feel a pinch of uncomfortability due to the non closure of the issue.

Well I have a lot to write so don't be surprise if you see two or more entries on the same date. I am just compartmentalizing my thoughts. I just hope that whoever reads this and knows what I am talking about think about what I say in a more rational and practical manner and for once think about where I am coming from. Though I am skeptical about the person reading it or even taking it up with me, I just wish he or she would so I can bring it to a closure. Or on the other hand I can leave it up to my date (time) to seal the case.