A few months ago, I
wrote about turning 30 (The un-socializing of the social butterfly). As I re-
read what I have written, I realised how confused and scared I probably was
writing that piece. It is evident that I was asking the question, “now what?” Nobody
tells you what happens when you are thirty, what is the next stage that you
need to take. Minister Mentor once said in his interview that by the time you
are thirty, you character is set. And nothing is further from that truth. You
character is set when you are thirty. However, that does not mean that you stop
growing. Your personality remains the same, your initial response to life and to
situations remains the same but your perspective of things change, thus your
approach changes and so does your response.
Take me for instance. I
was forced to grow up within 1.5 years. As an astrologer would kindly put it, “Saturn
is in your house and you are in for a bootcamp.” Bootcamp it is. After such a
steep learning curve, I am finally starting to connect the dots. I am starting
to see links and realising how much your personality assimilates in as your
perspective changes. I realise that I do not have to change myself but just my
perspectives. My life is a huge project that I need to work on and within that
project there are several smaller projects. I have tons of that and I pick and
choose what I want to do. But there are some that no matter how much I hate the
project, I am forced to take it. Nonetheless, all these projects have a common
goal, which is to contribute to my biggest project called life.
I am currently on a
project where I am really fascinated with what I am discovering from it. This
project is called, “In the process of getting hitched”. The key word here is not hitched but process.
The objective of this project is two-fold. The first objective is to allow
myself the liberty to explore my own character and what are the variables that
would allow me to sustain my own growth in the long run. The second objective
is to discover the notion of love and its role in marriage.
Having been brought up
in the conventional idea that one falls in love first and then gets married, no
longer appeals to me. I have discovered (through my pure interest in
understanding the notion of love and why some marriages in today’s society seem
to fail easily) that, the marriage and love though are intertwined, takes place
at different times. Falling in love is not necessarily a criteria to get
married. Getting married without falling in love does not mean that the marriage
would not work. In fact, my three hour conversation with a French teacher
friend made me realise that arranged marriages seem to have worked out better
than love marriages, statistically speaking. As my friend rightly pointed out, in
arranged marriages, there is this determination and unwritten contract that no
matter what happens we need to make the marriage work. This is also something
another friend of mine who was arranged to get married said. And in that
process one falls in love. I found the notion much closer to the truth than
anything. Having done my own experiments in relationships, I have come to
realise that the idea of arranged marriages are not that scary. What is really
disturbing is going into a marriage without understanding that it is a project
that involves a lot of reality checks and working out together to achieve a
growth in both parties. I am starting to realise that marriage is a really a
contract which both parties work as a team and it is based on the concrete real
decisions taken by both, to compromise to agree or disagree to things that
matter in the development of their essence as a human being. I find the entire
process rather enriching. The conclusion if I were to get married, or not, is
not important (though my mother will say otherwise). I find the process in understanding
this project is far more crucial.
Then comes the aspect
of children. I have been cunningly planning to have children for a long time
but without the need to have the father with me when I am bringing up the
child. Having had the idea that men do not necessarily play an important role
for the past one year, I have now began to see how men as fathers are extremely
crucial in the development of the child. A male figure is important for a child
to have a balanced view of life through understanding how opposite sex engage in
the processes of daily undertakings. It is also crucial especially for a male
child to have a strong male influence. Having consider the benefits of having
the child’s father living with me if I intend to have a child, I move on to
thinking about the intellectual and cultural aspect of a child’s development. I
personally like the idea that my child should be able to speak more than two
languages and have exposure to more than one form of cultural background. Thus,
this then clarifies the type of partner I am looking for, one that is of a
different ethical and cultural background. Of course, in the case of not being able to
find such a partner, the difference in cultural ideologies and philosophy takes
the precedence. For instance, I may choose a partner who is of my ethnicity but
whose upbringing is very much closer to the philosophy of the western ideology.
The combination is endless. And a participant of this project,
I, myself, will learn,
as I discover and banter with my partner, my own doctrines and beliefs.
So far, the project has
given me numerous insights and I look forward in discovering more. Now, back to
my title, moving on from 30. This coming of age has opened more doors for my
own self-discovery and I can feel the very essence of me being me more prominent
in the way I see life and the decisions I take. It is fascinating and I look
forward to more of such endeavours.
