Lesson learnt: Please dress up

Have you ever been in a situation where you just wear something simple and not care to dress up only to be caught in the moment where you wish you suddenly have a fairygod mother who would turn you into a princess? Well, that is what just happened to me and my dear Huiyi tonight.

We were at a meeting and we both assume it was one of the many normal meetings that we would have. She was wearing a green top, something casual and I was wearing a sleveless and a cargo pants. My mom even asked me to wear that cool jacket I got. I told her , "nah, it's just a meeting". I never once thought that my mom's words could have saved me. After all same old people, same old meeting. Then the shock came. The eyecandy!!!!!!

OMG!!! I just wish that the earth would swallow me up. There he was that cute guy and he was in our meeting. I just wanted to sink in my chair, he was so nicely dress and the two of us were like idiots! Iwas so furious with myself. There goes our first impression. However the good news is that there is a second chance. We will be seeing him on Tuesday!!! Hurray!!!

This time its dress up for us . Both research chair have decided to look good. Lesson learnt, always expect the unexpected, dress up people!! You have no idea who will meet!!!

Arggghhh... insanity at its wits!

I am sure many of us have watched Alice in Wonderland. As you watch it, you kinda enjoy the brain teasers that Alice has to go through trying to find her way back home. It is mind blogging and yet interesting, not to mention the puns and creativity involved and oh, if you watch the Disney's version the spectrum of colours that runs across your screen. As a child I never fail to enjoy watching it untill now. When it happens to you in real life is no joke.

One week and my life is now a restless one. This time there is no mad hatter but you do have the Queen of Hearts and the rabbit with the time always running out and inclusive of some new characters. I am totally at my wits with a teamplayer whose actions have traumatised me in one way of another. Have you ever been in a situation where you are feeling luke warm in a tub then suddenly you find yourself in boiling water and you have no idea what had cause you to be in that situation? Well... trust me I am in that situation now and I have no idea how to move out of it. I could either just get myself out or find a way to cool it. Cooling it sounds good to me cause it still keeps me in touch with the tub but what happens after that? If I choose to get out completely, then things would get completely cold. So what do you do?

You think that is worst. What is in the mist of this trouble you see your past? The rabbit running around with the clock, this time however not to tell you that you are running out of time but to remind you something you have completely forgotten and to remind you of the future. What if you are unsure of the past and depressed about the future? What are you going to do? Can you please everyone? And what if you should choose not to please anyone at all? Isn't that going against your nature?

A rather interesting character whose heart and head does not make any sense told me this, "If you are confident about yourself you should not worry about what others think about you" But what is rather contradicting about this character is that he does not realise that what he preaches he does not follow. When someone says something about him, he says they don't know him. But maybe they do and he cannot accept it. Another thing about this character, apparently he is weak when he is around 'someone'. He is turning hostile against that person cause he believes by doing that, he is less vulnerable in her presence. But he does not understand that it is SHE who is his weakness. Try telling him that and he will laugh at your face and tell you, "Stop pretending like you know me". I just don't get him. Perhaps if he looks inside he will find himself instead of hurting the people with harsh words. Especially when they are those who care for him

Confusing isn't it? Well welcome to my world!

picture from: http://www.thefairfieldvine.com/storage/alice in wonderland cheshire cat. jpg

A rather uncomprehensible week

Okay I am writing this entry after a little after midnight. I have training at St Marg's again tmr. Though I should be looking forward for tmr as I always have loved St Marg's girls and have been proud to be one. Whatever happened for the past few days have been rather puzzling for me and thus the need to write and clear my mind.

I am in the midst of holding on and moving forward. A few days ago I was hoping to reconnect a broken connection with an old friend cum enemy but apparently he has forgotten all we have been through. Not only the animosity but also the friendship I had with him. Side tracking now. I am watching my best friend's wedding and as you would know, in the end she gives up her best friend and moves on.. So sad and touching... sigh... Anyway back to what I was saying I was looking for a closure and because he did not respond to me I presume that it is all over, our animosity and friendship. Just like a memory I was his memory and he was mine and there is all to it. Somethings were never meant to be.

However things in current reality is also going around in circles. My best and close friends and trustful ones never fail to be there for me when I need them. However I just realise that a few of my other friends have been acting really weird and I really mean weird. They have been distant and sadly not as warm as they have been. Their hostility puzzles me. What have I done to them? Or is it my imagination? Have I been reading too much into their behaviour? I never know I will just wait and see.

Now the other dilemma, should I move forward. There was an interesting story that I left behind last winter. A tale that might have blossom if I made the right move and not misinterpretated what happened. A story that was not known to others but just one. She had asked me to restore the story but I am in doubts. It may be too late but one never know. That winter was a cold yet slightly warm. But I chosen to ignore the warmth prefering the cold. I have re edited the story I just have to wait and see the continuation.

Well it seems confusing rite? Well don't worry I am as confuse as i write but only a few know the reasons for the confusion so let it be and just live in the present.

Back to being a poka dot girl!

This week especially Wednesday and Thursday had been filled with so much joy and nostalgia. Finally I had the chance to go and serve the school that had developed me into who I am today, St Margaret's Secondary School. My life had taken a different turn in the four years I have spend there. I will never forget one of the most influential person during my schooling day, the late Mrs Caroline Lee. I am sure many St Marg would hardly forget her as she had impacted everyone single one of us.

I recall telling her that one day I will come back to survive the school and after 6 years there I was standing on that every ground I stood for 4 years and fulfilling the promise I made. Despite my enthusiasm, I was partly afraid of the type of girls I might be training. After all it has been 6 years and times have changed so much, you never know the girls may also have changed in many ways. I was soon to find out the truth.

The class I took was amazing, simply amazing. They were glowing with enthusiasm and was filled with so much life. There were sparks in their eyes as I spoke and it was easy to teach and get my message across. It was truly an honor when I found out that the some of the girls I was teaching were some of my batch schoolmates sisters. Besides they learning from me, I also discovered something new about myself. By any chance after graduation if I find it hard to find a job, besides being a nun (God's worst nightmare!) I could now join the circus and become a clown! Isn't that cool? Thanks girls for letting me to know how truly colourful I can get.

The girls were angels. It was good to feel the St MArg's spirit again. In fact some of my colleagues were so impress that they plan to send their girls( if they have one in the future) to St Marg's. Boy it sure felt good to be 15 again!

Before I came to teach I was wondering if I should continue teaching again as I had had some horrible classes before them. But now the girls had reassured me once again that what I have been doing which is to influence the lives of others has not gone unappreciated.

Hey girls from my class committee if you are reading this I want to say a big THANK YOU and remember ONCE A ST MARG, ALWAYS A ST MARG!

Emotional Exhaustion

School starts next week and yet I seem very tired. It has been a emotionally exhausting past two weeks and there is alot that has happened to allow me to ponder over it and write about it. My emotional exhaustion is due to the situations I face with my students. It is amazing how sometimes you realise that there are students who appreciate what you do for them and some who don't and take your kindness for granted.

Recently I have been having trouble with these particular three students whom I adore despite their naughtiness. But lately, i realise that despite my efforts to change them they are going back to their old habits again. Coming late for class and not paying attention to their work and disturbing the rest of my students. I am sick and tired of their behaviour. I have parents who have strictly requested that their children do not attend the same class with these kids. I have scolded them before but they seem to forget my lashing after a few weeks. I am very worried for them. With their attidude what can one do to ensure that they don't fall? Perhaps I am trying to do what my mother does for me. She always tries to catch me and my brother before it is too late. She believes in the philosophy of teaching your kid without letting them get hurt. A mother's instinct who can blame her? But I am not a mother but sometimes it just hurts when you see your students go a stray. I don't want them to destroy their lives but like my mother and some of my friends say, "lingehs you can't always try to save the world. You can only do your best." I suppose they are right. I had always wanted to save the world like superman but then I realise even superman (if he really existed) cannot save everyone's live. I mean he has issues on his own to settle.

Having said that there are of course kids who I encounter who need someone in their lives. Like this girl whom I got to know. She is so cute but her life is somewhat not a pretty picture for her. Her parents don't really care about her. You won't believe it but she was so afraid to ask her mother to make glasses for her. Her mother thinks its a waste of money and that poor girl has to borrow her classmate's glasses to have a look at what is written on the board. Her parents never ask her about school and doesn't care about what she does. All they expect of her is to produce good grades. Her only avenue is when she is babysitted by her mother's friend .She enjoys it there and once in a while I get to interact with her. It is the only freedom she has and she is only eight.

After this my brother and I both agree that we are brats. Sometimes having to spend time with such kids makes me feel really happy. It makes my heart melt just to see them smile. I just finished watching Marvin's Room. A beautiful movie I would say. I especially like the character that Leonardo Decaprio plays ( I use to have a crush on him when I was a teenager). The realtionship between Leonardo and his aunt is so beautiful and you see how a troubled kid transforms to be good. I constantly have to remind myself that I can't always expect to transform everyone's life. Despite all I do for them (like providing them meals) I cannot exepect all my kids to love me like how I love them. They are some who do and some who in their eyes I will always be a third party. It is sad but I suppose it is one of live's lessons that I learn. Neverthless I have decided to continue to give love. I mean come to think about it, if GOD had chosen to give up on loving then he won't have created me in the first place. I mean who wants to live with a nightmare!

picture from: www.lordoftherings.net

LiFe of KIDZ tOdAy

Having been actively teaching and working with those below the age of 16 for the past 4 years, I just came to realise what a deprived childhood kids have nowadays. Listening to the tales of their lives though at first may surprise you, compared to my childhood it is very much mundane. Although I do have to say that everytime I talk about my experience with the children I have encountered, I never fail to be greeted with raised eyebrows and wide slightly (in some case wide) open.

Recently I was having a conversation with some collegues of mine and was sharing my experience with them . Their reaction was as I had expected. But they also said something particularly interesting. They were saying how these weird students that I have is due to the fact that I myself am weird in nature. Another friend of mine once suggested I should go and work with child criminals since I am constantly in contact with them. I do beg to differ. My students are not really criminals but they are just doing what some adults would do if given a chance, expect in a much smaller scale.

I mean I have handled students who have burnt down chicken farms, put firecrackers under girls' skirts, got involved with gang fights at the age of 9 and almost blinded a peer of theirs, future undeworld mafias, explored different religions, explored homosexual behaviours and to top it all one of my special student spends alot of time coming up with torture techniques for others. And she is only seven! Amazing isn't it? By the way this seven year old is my favourite of the lot.
Hard to believe eight? But being someone who is trained in sociology and have done an assignment on these kids. I began to see that these kids are trying to fill their life with different types of entertainment because they don't have an exciting childhood. Take a look at what kids do most of the time when they are free? They either glued to their computer games or out hanging out with friends. Of course we have some who are trying to become the next Mozart or the youngest Einstein to ever exist. But honestly if given the chance they would just go out and play. But that is just my opionion.

Take a look at the toys they play with for instance. I was recently shopping in Toy R'us and the toys I saw are so boring. Where are those toys where you can create something new? During my time I had seen toys whereby you can make your own edible ice cream and waffles. You can also sew your own costume. LEGO and PLAY DOH had so much varities compared to now. I use to also owe a whole load of remote control racing cars. Now its pathetic.

I sometimes wonder what childhood would mean in the near future. I think we are moving so fast that there is no such thing as being a child. It's like moving back to the middle ages, where a child is treated like a small adult. COme of think of it we are already in the middle ages, where some of the children are experimenting with sex at the age of nine (though its illegal) and before we know it, it will be drugs and alcohol. I mean now they are also going to be trained in weapons in some countries how long would it be before the trend hits Singapore. After all we already have a nine year old who is pregant.

picture from: http://us.ent4.yimg.com/movies.yahoo.com/images/hv/photo/movie_pix/warner_brothers/harry_potter_and_the_sorcerer_s_stone/_group_photos/daniel_radcliffe4.jpg

Young Minds, Touching my heart

Today I had to teach at EverGreen Sec again. My last training was done a month ago. When I first arrived I saw a group of students waiting. I actually don't recall any of them at first but then I saw some unforgettable faces staring back at me. These were my Sec 2 prefects. Ironically I remember them very well.

Lesson started off badly. The laptop could not play the DVD I bought which meant I had to make do with what I had and proceed with lessons. Whatever I was preparing went blank for a while but I compose myself and began teaching. Lessons went on as usual and then at one point they were very noisy but it was alrite it was discussion. Honestly I did not feel as if they care what I wrote and explain. I mean afterall I was only a facilitator. This was a feeling I always get when I teach in schools. At Kranji Sec I had the same feeling but to my amusement even when the kids see me they never fail to come up and talk to me and tell me the things they have done and how they try to practice what I thought them.

So here I was again and I though I was getting no where. But when I observed the students I saw that not all but majority was actually listening to me. I was feeling much better. Then later I spoke to them and I said something to them and they gave me a reaction that I had not expected. I told them honestly that some of them actually left me an impression after the first lesson. I have no idea what prompt me to say it but I did. For once I saw this feeling of amazement and awe in their faces. It made me wonder didn't anyone tell them this before? Why do they react like this?

I realise that in schools that I have trained like ACS and Kranji I am amazed at how much stories they have. The hopes and wishes and aspirations it is so real and you can see it in their eyes even if they are not excatly "good" students.

I really enjoyed today's lesson. The kids were wonderful. I like my sec 2 Evergreen prefects. They ROCK!!! I just hope that they will have the spirit and hope and love that I see in years to come. I am sure they will make it big one day. So will my beloved Kranji Sec students (hmmm Wilson, curly and curious and their classmates) and my ever ambitious, stylo Sec 5 ACS Baker boys and my ever refreshing SEC 2 prefects from Evergreen and not forgetting my first ever class Elias Primary!!!!!!!!!!!!

Angel at the door (Part 2)

I begun a post on it a few weeks ago, now to continue my short story...

The Encounter

The feeling was great. It was as if one was falling through the Nigara waterfall but at a steady pace. The feeling of being elevated despite gravity's hold. It was truly an undescrible experience. Yash relaxed. He told himself he is not going to think about anything at all. He was not going to think about Antara nor what he was going to say to her when he first meets her. He wondered if she would recognise him. He shook the thought away. At this moment he was enjoying his fall and was determined not to have anything distract him.

Yash sighed and stretched his hands out. Then suddenly he felt something pushing him downwards. He was getting breatheless. He started to gasp for air. He was literally falling and this time at a fast pace. He was getting scared. The movement was too fast and he was losing his momentum. The colour around him were changing from a bright pastal yellow to a a dark greyish colour. He could not see anything clearly. He had no idea what was happening to him.

"Thump!"

Yash fell on something soft. He slowly opened his eyes . All he could see was dust and smoke all around him. It took his eyes a while to adjust to the darkness around him. He slowly rubbed his eyes.

"Yash, are you alright?"

The voice sounded so familiar. He felt as if he knew that person all his life. Yash stopped rubbing his eyes and slowly opened them. The dust and smoke were settling around him. A face was staring back at him. Yash blinked. He opened his mouth but nothing came out.

"Yash, can you hear me? I think he is still recovering from the fall Mike." Another older face popped up and smiled at Yash.

Yash blinked again and spoke. "Antara?"

Antara smiled her ever sweet smile. She and Mike helped Yash up. Yash kept his eyes glued to Antara. This was definitely not Antara. Physically she looked like Antara. She even smiled like Antara but this was not the Antara he knew. She was cold, in every sense of the word. She was all white and her hands were cold as death. She seem distant and there was a sense of chillness that seems to penetrate from her eyes. She gave her sweet smile but it was a smile that a murderer would give before killing his victim, so heartless and encaging.

"Hey drink this", Mike handed Yash a bottle of water.

Yash took it to his lips and tilted. He felt the water running down his throat. It was good and he gulped down even more. He did not realise that he was actually very thristy. Yash could feel Antara and Mike staring at him. He wondered who Mike was. It seems he to be a few years older than Antara but not that old. Yash wondered the possiblity that Mike was Jake's brother since he looked so much like an Irish lad. He pondered if the Irish use the name Jake. After all it sounded English to him. Maybe Jake was half Irish and half American. "Dam! How come the attachement does not give the back ground information of the people he was going to help", Yash thought a loud in his mind.

Once his thrist was quenched, Yash wiped his mouth and threw the bottle aside. For once he looked around him. It was pitch dark and he could see figures floating around him. He rubbed his eyes and looked again. Yes, they were floating. Some had distorted faces and some were bleeding. Some gave him a weird stare and he turned away from them .

"Where am I?" he asked. Antara laughed and sat beside him.

"Well looked to your right", she replied. Yash turned and saw a tombstone. He quickly got up. All this while he had been seating on someone's tombstone. Antara laughed and leaned against the tombstone.

"Afraid of death, aren't you Yash? " she chuckled.

"You still remember me?" asked Yash shocked. Antara got up and gave him a slight hit on his head. "Of course, silly! Unlike you Angels we still have our memories, mind you. Infact it will stay with us until we are freed"

"Freed? What do you mean by that?" Yash stopped."Please don't tell me... oh no... you are dead? How can that be? How can you die before I arrive to help you?"

Antara gave Yash a confused look. "What are you talking about Yash?"

"Antara I don't think he knows what is going on. I think you need to explain to him everything. Head to toe dear", interuppted Mike.

Antara's faced turned red. "What do you mean I have to explain to him everything?" She turned to face Yash, "That Paul did not tell you anything at all?" Yash shook his head.

"I am going to kill him when I see him again. This is the third time he is doing this. I already told him to brief them before they arrive. Why does it not get into his thick skull?" screamed Antara.

The passing spirits stop to stare at Antara's outburst and then made their way. Antara clenched her fist and yelled a few curse words at Paul looking at the night sky. Then she looked down at the ground and closed her eyes. Yash presumed that she was calming herself down. He was right. When she opened her eyes she seemed more calm and composed. She headed towards Yash and asked him to seat down once again on the tombstone. Mike was moving around making conversation with the passing spirits.

Once they were settled, Antara sighed and smiled at Yash.

"Now Yash since that stupid Paul did not tell you everything I am going to explain everything once and only once so pay attention okay?" Yash nodded his head

"Yash do you remember the accident that killed you?" Yash nodded. "Well I was also involved in that accident too. It was my car that hit yours. My cousin was driving it and he was drunk. But you see I did not die, my cousin died and my niece was only in critical condition. I saw the death angel kneeling beside her. I knew he was going to take her away. I had to stop it, so i told him to take my soul and leave hers. But he said it was impossible because it was not my time yet. I begged him and he agreed. But the price I have to pay for this was to serve the death angel."

"You mean... you are a soul collector," whispered Yash. Antara closed her eyes and sighed, "Yes Yash I am a soul collector." She opened her eyes and pointed at Mike, "And he is my friend, Mike, another soul collector too."

Yash could not believe what he had heard. She was a soul collector. In other words, his beautiful Antara was a "wandering jew" collecting souls.

"But Antara you are suppose to be marrying someone call Jake? How can you do that, when you are dead?" asked Yash very much confused.

"Well, Antara isn't literally going to get married to Jake," came a voice from behind.

Yash looked up and saw Mike standing near him. He wondered when Mike had arrived. As an Angel, Yash should be aware of the slightest movement around him but Mike seemed to have appeared out of no where.

Mike continued, "Antara has to take the place of Jake's wife on his marriage day. She needs to coax him to drink a particular wine at an exact time, which is just before he walks the red carpet. Once that is done Antara would be able to collect his soul."

"But can't Antara do it by herself? Why does she need me, an Angel to assist her?"

This time Antara answered Yash, "It's because Jake has been cheating death for a long time and this time he has charmed up a spell to prevent us, the soul collectors from getting to him. The only person who is able to break the spell is an Angel. That is why you were send for this job."

"But I don't know how to break spells. I am an Angel not some witch okay?" fumed Yash. He could feel that Antara was losing her patience again.

" Well we have no idea how you are going to do it but we were told in our job attchment that you will break the spell" answered Antara

"I suppose we can only find that out when we go there" interuppted Mike. Yash looked at Antara and Mike.

"I suppose you are right though I do not fully believe the part about breaking spells. But I will just go along with it since I am assigned to it. Don't want to screw up my first assignment after all." Yash repiled.

Antara lighted up, "That's the spirit Yash. I think we have spend far too much time discussing about this assignment, thanks to that stupid Paul." Antara growled at the mention of Paul's name. "We better get going, its almost dawn and the wedding is in two day's time. We got alot to handle"

"But you have no idea what we will be facing Antara," replied Mike. Antara got up and dust herself, "Well what more surprise can we have install so far after all we have been through?"

Yash got up and dust himself. He wondered what Antara met by that. How long has she been a soul collector? How many assignments have she done? How excatly do sould collectors carry out their jobs? After all during his training, they have only taught him the basics of being an Angel but they did not elebarate much on soul collectors. He wondered if he would also be facing demons in his assignment. Yash had so many questions running in his head. He wanted answers for everyone of them. But before he could ask them, Antara and Mike had walked away.

"I suppose these questions have to wait" he said aloud and ran to join Mike and Antara as they walked towards the front gate of the graveyard.

Arrisa

ARISA HUKASAKU
SSEAYP 2006 admin is passed away on 30 april 2007.
she is a tall girl mix with peru.
Her funeral will be on 5 May 2007

from 13:00 at Catholic Saginuma church.
(All money raised in her funeral will give to UNICEF)
Her Last Wish:"GIVE ME A FLOWER THAT YOU THINK IT'S
MATCH WITH ME,AND GIVE DONATION TO UNICEF."
please pray for her!!!

information from eri ota JPY04/OBSC 2006.
text by edy ota MAPY04

It is confirmed. My friend Arrisa has passed on.

I am not sad and I don't feel like crying.

Not that I don't love her.

My heart is heavy but I just cannot accept it.

I don't believe anyone. It is not true

Not until I see the place she is laid upon

I am wondering now, what it would mean to be dead?

She died from a heart diease.

What was her last moment like?

Does she know she was going to die?

Was she aware that slowly her body was ceasing to function?

As friends and loved ones we weep for her

But how long? The world still goes on without her

This is the faith for all of us.

Nothing will be left but just memories of us

Those will soon fade too

Now I feel sad, I feel sad that she is gone.

I miss her alot . She was young and she never showed any signs

She had a whole life ahead of her.

It is hard to lose a love one

I just pray that she went away happy

Cause that was what she taught me

To smile and the world smiles with you

I am missing you Arrisa !

A song reflecting life and death

Some people's Lives

Bette Midler

Some people's lives run down like clouds

One day they start and that's all they got

Some lives were out like old tennis shoes

No one can use, well its sad but its true

Didn't anybody tell them,

Didn't anybody see

Didn't anybody love them, like you love me

Some peopl's lives fade like their dreams

To tired to rise too tired to sleep

Some people's life when they need to cry

And they never know why

Didn't anybody tell them,

That's not how it use to be

Didn't anybody love them, like you love me

Some people ask if the tears left before

Then why take your chances why bother at all

And some people's life are as cold as they live

They just need need to begin

Doesn't anyone tell them

Doesn't anybody see

Doesn't anybody love them like you love me

Cause that's all they need.

Total Denial

Just heard that my friend Arrisa passed away. She was the Japanese admin staff. I am in shock. It may be a miscommunication. I cannot believe it. I am not believing it until I see her body. But that is impossible she is in Japan and all I have of her is email add. I am praying that she is all right and this was a miscommunication. I am in denial... my heart is heavy and yet I keep my fingers cross. I don't want anything to happen to her.

If you are reading this Arrissa please reply, I Miss you!!!!

A new beginning...stroke of imagination

Well just finished my last paper for the semester! Yippy!! Feel like writing a short novel...hmmm I mean story (dun know whether I would finish it). Well here it goes...

The Angel at the Door

Yash stared at the picture in his hands. It was the only beautiful pictorial memory that he had of her. She was wearing that golden prom gown . It weaved around her body like snakes swirling around a tree. She looked amazing that night. She looked like a bride. He recalled almost creating a huge hole in the floor pacing and waiting for her arrival in the hotel their prom was held. The moment she arrived he stood rooted on the floor. She was just perfect for him. She smiled at him. That was a special night for him.
After his small band performance during prom, he made his way down stage. As he walked down people were patting on his backs and shaking his hands. He was receiving them with a warm smile until he came up to his classmate Rena who was waving frantically at him. She gave him a big hug. He hugged her back. He could feel the warmth of friendship spreading within him. As she realised her, she saw his beautiful bride standing behind her. She was blushing and he looked down.

"Antara come on", said Rena. She shuffed her towards Yash. Antara gave Yash a hug. It was a quick brief moment but Yash was ready to explode. It was as hundred butterfiles were covering his entire body. He felt light and a tingling passion feeling was running down his spine. He never wanted to let her go. He hoped the moment will remain forever. He wished at that moment they were married.

Wedding, those words pierced his wounded heart. There was going to be a wedding but not for him. She was going to get married. She was going to marry Jake.

It was all part of the plan of the Almighty. HE had planned to get Antara married to Jake. They were faithed to be together and it was now Yash's mission to ensure the marriage goes smoothly. He felt a sharp pain in his chest again. The girl he had loved was going to marry someone else and it was his job to ensure it went smoothly. This would never have happened if he was alive. But he wasn't. He is dead, well not exactly dead but not a ghost. He had become an angel.

Why he was made an angel he never understood. He was not given any explanation only a guidebook and a scroll appointment and made to go through a small training sessions with the other trainee angels. Througout the time he died he had no recollection of who he was. He did not even at the slightest idea what his personality was. Infact he turned out to be the best student in the class. Everything was heavenly until he received his first assigment, Antara.

At that instance he started to tear. He had no recollection of her at first. He felt as if he was dying again. Pain was surging from his body. It took him a while to realise that it was coming from his heart. It was something he could not undestand. Slowly Yash's head begun to swirl. Memories started flooding back to him.

He remembered the terrible car accident. He remembered the light he saw from above. It started moving and then he found himself in his school uniform and with a bunch of students he had no idea who they were. They were all laughing and playing a fool when one of the guys nudged at him and he turned to see where he was pointing at.

There she was with a bunch of girls. Her laughter was as if someone was splashing water around. There was something so beautiful about her. Then he heard someone call , "Antara" and she turned around to smile. He felt his body froze. Everthing was coming back to him. He knew who she was.

This was wrong. Angels should not have any recollection of thier past lives. Even if they did it was only for a particular assignment, like in the case of Dan who was the angel assigned to be with his sister before she died. Even in such cases Dan only knew about his past life after seeing his photos in his sister's room. But Yash had recollection even before meeting Antara. This was terrible. How was he going to carry out his duties well when he knew this was the love of his life?

"Hey Yash, you alright?" boomed a voice over him.

Yash looked up. It was his fellow angel Chris. "I am fine" he sniffed and quickly wiped away the tears forming at the corner of his eyes.

"Well good luck for your first assignment. You better get going before the gate closes"

"Yeah, good luck on yours Chris. Will catch up with you soon" replied Yash. But Chris had already made his way to the golden door. Yash sighed and closed his eyes. He held the picture up to his lips and kissed it. He opened his eyes,"Well Antara I am coming for you"

Yash quickly made his way to the golden door where Paul was sending the angels off one by one. When it was Yash's turn, PAul looked at Yash, "You ready Yash?"

Yash took a deep breath and moved one step ahead, "I am ready now". With that Paul gave Yash one good push out through the door.

Retirement

Yesterday was my last offical day as a young change maker. Today I am an alumini member. It has been two years since I first started of in NYC by joining NYF 04. It was a wise decision and I never regretted a moment doing so. I have USP to thank for that. People like Hui Yi, Imran, Alex, Larrisa, Penelope and Stephaine are friends that are hard to come by. It is hard especially to forget people like Hui Yi ,Imran, joyce and alan who were also working with me in NYF 06 research team. Those wonderful time spend at City hall burger king... SIGH....

But that is just one group of special people, throughout NFY 06 I also got to know a huge range of people whom if I have to list down will take two whole posts. Its just amazing how they have made my life so interested and loveable over the past two years. I felt so touched when last night martino shook my hand and asked me to keep in touch. The three martino- martina and denise gang are just one of those I am going to miss. I also have the NYC staff whom I am going to miss... esp Shawn's lame (yet intellectual... yeah right) jokes.

I had always assumed that retirement was a loss of identity because of the fact that we have always been taught indirectly all our lives that what we are studying and doing right now is to ensure that we get a a good job to support ourselves in the future. This form of ideology embeddenss have crafted our identity so far. But now to think of of it the embeddeness is not just the ideology of work but also the relationships that we foster through that work.

I suppose maybe that is why when people retire they feel upset not just because they feel less productive but because they are leaving a social network behind. Whether you like it your lives are intertwined with each other and retirement cuts the strings to these bonds even though people says its not the end of relationships.

Nevertheless a new path has opened up for me and Indiana Jones is on another adverture of her life.

Love from Time to Time

Love from Time to Time

Dedicated to Anna Sophia Lockwood who is a romantic at heart

and yet knows the constrains of time and space

Three men, three hearts, one girl

One that is destined for her

Another who showed her peace

And one which her body aches in lust

Three men, three hearts, one girl

The first whom she gave her heart to

The second whose exoticism gave her thrills

The last whose gave his heart to others but never to her

Three men, three hearts, one girl

He broke her heart and made her miserable

He broke her heart in the fear for commitment

He broke her heart by loving others who don't love him

Three men, three hearts, one girl

She is destined to him and will learn to love him again

She still loves him and hopes to love him till death comes

She still lust for him though it's wrong and hopes that lust will die one day

Three men, three hearts, one girl

Feeling the love

It is very rare to find oneself on cloud nine since we are all so busy running our lives. Right now as far as I know most of my peers in school are busy rushing their term papers which is due either tomorrow or tueday. I, myself will be meeting my group to put my sexuality module term paper tomorrow and knowing my professor there is no extension for this paper.

Despite the busy schedule I had my cloud nine experinece when I met my favorite collegue(hint: my fly boy) in the NUS open house whom I have not met since term started and he gave me a great big hug, lifting me off the floor. I felt I was begin hugged by a big grizzly bear though he is only my size. I just felt a nice warm fizzy feeling in me even till now. It was so nice to get a welcome back hug. We used to have lunches ( more like arguments) but we don't specially hang out together in school and now that we are busy with our lives we hardly see each other but even till now I know that I have a friend in him. Not always do we meet such people in our lives. I am blessed however to have many of such friends around in every stage of life.

I have a friend called Deniece in my secondary school. I have known her for 7 years and till now she is someone I can turn to when I am in trouble. I still remember what she did for me when I was 16. I had a rift with my biology teacher on the last day of school before the break for my O- levels. I came to her very much upset and told her how rude he was and how he had hurt my feelings. She being a true good comrade, went straight to him and gave him a piece of her mind. I have no idea what she told him but he had spend a full hour searching for me. And when he found me, he kind of 'apologise' for what he did. Boy! That made my day and till today I would never forget that day. In fact when I went to receive my award for being the President of ELDDS on that day, I gave a curtis and hopped down stage.

She is just one of the faithful friends I have. There is also others like Elvina lee who taught me that sometimes life is too short so live your life as if you have no tmr. In any case we both decide we would go to Poland and grow potatos if we cannot find a job after graduation (the next potato famine coming up!) I cannot forget my great Dark Master, Kenny Pooh ( he is no way related to Winnie pooh) who has taught me the ways of the dark side- hai-arigato gozaimas master! There is also my friends Karthi and Nasirah whom I have known since I was seven (its amazing how they are still sane after all this years growing up with me) These two girls share a special friendship with me because its not just us who have such a long term friendship through us our mothers have been friends for such a long time. I guess this is what you call the mother daughter bonding.

Nevertheless looking back I am glad that our paths cross and that I had such a wonderful time getting to know them. As far as I know I am still making more new friends. People like Lifang (princess) and Jian How (takewando expert..haha..) who I have grown close to and who are members of the gossip club. For those who cannot image just image seeing a cute white bunny (lifang), a black belt ox (jian how) and a black handed spider monkey (that's me) sitting on a hot air balloon looking through a binoculars. The NYF research team(esp huyi and Imran who are the life of the team).There is also the critical MAy-Ann who I had the longest night call and the brother and sister team I work with who share the same family name- twohill. I am still meeting so many of these people and every day I thank God for such an opportunity.

It's yours...

I happen to find a poem that I wrote 2 years back when I was in the state of melancholy

What would life be without flowers?
Child: Nothing to colour my world
No..nothing to bury you when you die

Child: But do we need flowers to bury me?
No, if you do not want them

Child: Can I have candies instead?
No, you will already be a feast for the insects

Child: Can I then have toys?
No toys bring too much memory for me

Child: You can burn the toys after I am buried
No it will spread your diease around

Child: Why do you think I will die?
Because this medical report says so

Child: But's that is not my report
Child: It's yours...

Hahaha sometimes horror is so beautiful when it comes with a twist. Don't you think so

Valentine's Day

Once again it’s that time of the year. That special day that is celebrated all over the world. A day called Valentine’s Day. It is two days before V’day but the media has already started giving the love a week ago. News paper articles on singles coming out of the dark ages to confess that they are seeking dating agency and no longer want to remain single. This is of course good news for the government, in a couple of years they will be seeing more stokes.
But the question is what is Valentine’s day and what does it really imply? As far as I know V’day is a day to express your love. But it seems this expression of love is limited only to a specific group of people. Basically, the heterosexual couples.
Take for instance yesterday, I met a friend of mine who I have not seen for nearly a year. We were catching up with each other and our conversation eventually lead to relationships. I told her that I was going to send a Valentine’s day card to one of my classmates and this was how the conversation went,

She: Ooohhh so who is the guy? (sly smile)
Me: Woah! It is not what you think. He is just a friend
She: That is what they always say in the beginning
Me: No, I mean seriously he is just my friend.
I like him as a friend and nothing more
(She started shaking her head)
She : Don’t give him the card
Me: Why?
She: You will be sending the wrong message
Me: Okay then I will explain in the card that we are friends
She: Oh no! That will make it worst. Now he will wondering why you
have to explain. So it means something then.

I am still pondering if I should give that particular colleague a card. Isn’t Valentine’s day for everyone? But the answer is evidently no. Just have a look at the commercials in the newspaper and TV. It is either a man or a woman having a romantic candle light dinner or the man proposing on his knee to the girl. Have you ever seen a valentine ad where a girl gives another girl a gift or Dad giving a daughter a rose? The second ad would seem more incestuous in nature. Thus, you see how such a special day is actually in turn a day only entitled to some. I am not here to condemn the day but I am looking at the dept of the issue. What happens to those people who have no respective other? What if your spouse is of the same gender? Are they entitled to celebrate Valentine’s day?
These questions reflect the society we live in. It is a bias society. The norm is set by the majority. Those who fail to compile to it are considered deviant and have to face the consequences.
On Valentine’s day those who have no respective others are not entitled to the benefits that couples get. You don’t see ads saying, “Bring your friend along and enjoy a nice cottage near the beach with a romantic dinner.” Most of the time they are ostracized. Even same gendered people are treated differently on such occasions, not to mention that eyebrow raising look when you tell them you are together.
Society tries to conform everyone and does not accept deviants. It is terrible but it is truth. It is just that people don’t understand the fact that just because majority’s rule is a norm that does not mean that they have to feel pressured for being a deviant. It is just a social construct and believe it or not maybe the next century the concept of Valentine might just change. Just like how masturbation is being psychological accepted as a form of stress relieve in today’s world.
So after giving much thought over this issue, I have decided that I am not going to give the guy the card. I have decided instead to treat myself to a nice New York cheesecake. After all who is going to spend $5.50 to buy a card which he probably going to throw away next year. I shall just give that whole lot of love to myself. I mean who knows myself better than me!