If I was never born

Call me insane but I have always wondered if life would be the same if I was born to another family in another part of the world. I mean what would happen if lingehswari was never born in Singapore and born in say, Romania? Would it make a difference? Personally I don't think so. I will still be that wild girl who most probably would have been dead by now or almost lost her life. Sociologically speaking, a person's living environment does play a role in how they develop but how much does a soul's spirit change? Too philosophical? Well, blame it on my mother.

In my daily interaction with her she mentioned that since young I would listen to everyone else except my own mother. She said that I don't really seem to care about what she thought. To which I rely, "Of course! You are my mother! If I ever listen to you, then trust me I was never your daughter." I think my mother would be bored to death if she had a normal daughter. Someone who listens to her and does what she wants her to do. On the other hand, she would die out of a heart attack if I was a rebel whose intention was to live my life the way I want to and destroy my own self. At 26 years old I have learnt to strike a balance. I am a rebel with a conscience. Whether she gets to me or not, my conscious does and hell yeah, it bites like a dog with rabies. I figured somewhere I needed to find the balance for the sanity of me and my mother.

I love my mother and there is no doubt in that. I have to say she has done a pretty good job with me. God forbid, if I was brought up by someone else. I like it when my mother says she does not trust me. I used to get very upset when she did but, now I think I should not. It makes me feel special. The reason why she does not trust me is because she thinks I am a daredevil. I am a parasite but a good one. You know like Denise the Menace. Mr Wilson and the rest can't stand Denise but they love him because life would not be the same without him. I know, I am not saying this because I making myself look good but the mere fact, that my mother is capable of killing me if she knew I was a hazard to the human race. I know that because she is just like a lioness, a great nurturer and even a better killer. She would have killed me a long time ago if I turned out to be a rotten apple which I hope I have not. I think I have grown to become like the character in Tim Burton's first black and white animation, Vincent. Morbid and daring.

I wonder now as I wonder then, what life would be like if Lingehswari Eisvran was never born.

Tale of Two Cities ( Part XII)

"Aaratrika could you stop moving around, I am trying to lace you up!" Tabata the new chamber mate was annoyed with Aaratrika. She has been working for Aaratrika for three whole months and the girl had gotten used to Aaratrika's mood swings. But today, Aaratrika was exceptionally figitive and was driving her mad.

" I am warning you..." before she could say another word, Aaratrika grabbed the lace and swang it around herself. Tabata made a small spin and turned to face Aaratrika who now was staring at her.

"Please just go. I can do this myself" she said in a low voice looking straight at Tabata.

"But I need to get you dressed for the dinner tonight" she exclaimed. As calm as a water alligator, Aaratrika moved towards Tabata.

"Just leave." With that Tabata turned and left the room without a single word. Aaratrika was all alone in the room as she watched Tabata leave quietly. She knew she should not have treated Tabata that way but she could not help it. She needed to be alone. She was going mad and she did not want to reveal anything to anyone at this moment of her life. She was becoming the barber of the King with Elephant ears.
She knew the story by heart. The barber who could not keep his mouth shut about the King who had elephant ears and shared it with the trees. When the trees got cut down, they spread the newhs. But this was something she did not wish to share with anyone.

"I am an idiot! I should have never met that stupid Mugal. Now I have no idea why I am thinking of him. I mean he meant nothing to me and yet somewhat he means alot. Damn that scoundrel!"

No matter how she consoled and justify what she was feeling, she knew that she cannot admit to the truth that she was feeling something for Mugal. The image of him sends a stroke straight to her heart. Sad but true. But how could she forget the amazing three nights with him? The way he touched her and kissed her. The sweet murmurings in her ears and the sweet passionate kiss that they exchanged. She was on cloud nine.

The name Mugal did strike a cord on her when she heard it for the first time. She thought hard and it finally came to her that he was her chikldhood friend who often visited her when his parents came to visit her. He remembered her as the boy who seemed dark and often alone. She did talk to him but that was merely hi and byes. She assumed that he would be the same guy he had been when she saw him 15 years ago. But to her surprise he had put on weight and was far better looking than he was 15 years ago.

Mugal could not take his eyes of her. She had grown into a beautiful woman having the right curves in the right places. It only took them one look into each other's eyes to realise that they wanted each other. Aaratrika could never forget the first kiss he had from him. It was irresistable and she craved for more. For nights she would sneak to see him and he would make her feel intoxicated. Amidst the secret meets, Aaratrica found that their parents have agreed not to go ahead with the wedding for various political reasons. Mugal was asked to leave for an offical matter and what seemed like an external affectionate saga was now feeling really like a three day affair, the three days that Mugal came over to see Aaratrika. Taylor had refused to go along and volunteered to go off on official matters.

"What is wrong with me? It was only three days of passionate kisses and even we both agreed that it was a one time affair, but why does my heart ache when I think of him?"

"It is because he said, he loved you" a voice in her head went off.

"I know but that is nothing new. Most gentlemen do that after they see me and get to know me" she rebutted.

"Yes, but this one is another forbidden fruit. Have you forgotten your stranger friend. You like fruits you can't have" it reminded her.

"No, that is not true! I don't love Him and NEVER DID I. But WHY DOES IT HURT?" she screamed. But no reply.

The room was still and Aaratrika suddenly she realised that she was going mad. She needed to get her act together. Slowly she laced herself up and prepared mentally to meeet the highlanders of another village for dinner.

Tale of Two (Part XI)

“So what is she like?” echoed a voice through the hall.

Taylor had not heard the question. He was reading the parchment over and over again. He could not believe his eyes as the words seem to sink into him slowly.

“You know, it is not as if the words are going to change or disappear in that parchment. Quit reading it over and over again. You are making me dizzy”

Taylor slowly glanced to see his friend applying some lotion on the injured rabbit. It seemed like Mugal was the one, who seemed to be engrossed in what he was doing. If it was not for the fact that he had known Mugal all his life, Taylor would have presumed that he was hearing voices.

Mugal had begun bandaging the rabbit’s leg, slowly moving the leg in a rotational manner so as to ensure that the rabbit did not feel any form of discomfort. Taylor often wondered how he and Mugal became friends when they were so different in character. Despite being born in a noble family, Mugal was always the more reserved one. As a child when everyone was into hunting and sword fighting, one would find Mugal seating under an oak tree with a book or working with some portion in the kitchen. He was an excellent swordsman but only chose to perform when the opportunity was right. Even as a teenager he was a quiet and polite child and rarely interested in girls. He did have a few girlfriends but seem to lose interest in them easily. Unlike Taylor, who was ever popular with the opposite sex because of his charm, Mugal was plain looking chap. Mugal was enchanted with women who were witty and bold. Taylor never cared for witty women nor bold ones, not until a few years ago when he met Aaratrika.

“You still have not answered my question, so what is she like?” Mugal asked again. His eyes still focused on his task at hand. Taylor put the parchment down and slowly walked towards his friend.

“As I have said before, she is no ordinary girl. She is bold and mischievous and very much innocent... in fact...”

“ Bold, that I can see, but she does not sound innocent at all from what I have read.” Mugal looked up and stared at his friend who has stopped momentarily. He knew that his friend was hiding something from him. Taylor caught his eyes blink.

“Look, I am not hiding anything from you” he butted in before Mugal proceeded. “Now this was the Princess I knew when I met her just a year ago. I have no idea how she could have transformed herself to be a powerful warrior, equal to a man. When I met her she was still playing childish games with her dragon friend and running around with her huge skirts. Now look here, Mugal... don’t you dare give me that dirty piercing look. I swear I am not hiding anything from you. Man, this was the girl you were supposed to marry and I went to see her on your behalf. I say, why in the King’s name would I lie to you?” Taylor was near the table and looked down to see the rabbit stir. Mugal had done a great job with bandage.

Mugal still had his eyes on his friend. He knew Taylor was not lying but at the same time something had happened a year ago. His friend seemed to be at lost since the moment he had received the parchment. The look on his face and the confusion in his eyes, told Mugal that this princess who had called off the wedding was no ordinary princess and she had stirred curiosity in Mugal’s mind. He could not wait to meet her tonight.

“Alright Taylor, I believe you. So what time is she arriving?”

Taylor was gone in a split second. He was re-living the year when he met Aaratrika. He never mentioned this to anyone, but this encounter had left him empty . He had never met a girl like her and honestly for the first time, something stirred in his heart. A playboy who took life as it went, for once wanted to settle down with this enchanting girl. He could not explain but there seems to be a connection beyond his imagination. But how much have changed since he last saw her? What had happened to have caused this change?

Mugal watched his friend.

“She will be here in the evening”

The White Knight

The dark clouds gather at noon
as I sit and ponder where you are
And what are you doing alone out there

The thought of you melts my heart,
like gold, which melts in passion heat
Just a thought can stir so much in me
Imagine what would happen if I saw you?

The years of anticipation of our meet,
the hours of contemplation I experience
not knowing how you are going to react
Knowing that the illusion would finally fade

Can you hear me my white knight?
Or are you nothing more than a secret desire?
A desire with two faces but none the truth
A desire that is nothing but a mask of lies

Hear me out, my white knight
Let my heart reach out to you among the clouds,
the dark clouds that hides the bond between us.