The hardest part of ending is starting again

I am listening to a teenager angst band which,even till today helps me ease my pain. The most beautiful line in one of their songs is "the hardest part of ending is starting again". Many of you by now would know the title of the song and the band. I am too numb to remember both nor bothered to google what it is.

Today I stab myself over and over and ripped my heart out. It is a beautiful therapeutic image. I love it. I did something like this when I was 15 when one of my teachers broke my heart, with the exception of the stabbing. It felt good. It is morbid but it helps to relieve the pain. If this was last year or the beginning of the year, I would cry and say how unfair God has been to me. But now, I don't blame the Almighty. He/She is not responsible for how others behave nor am I a little girl to put the blame on others, victimizing myself. I just experience the pain, cry and move on. I have better things to do.

Today I had my heartbroken without realising that I actually did fall in love. A puppy love yet it was significant. The green eyed monster appeared and suddenly the realisation that my heart was painful and then this was followed by the ever famous line, "love hurts, so get over it and grow up". I did what I always do, compartmentalise. What is important in my life? Seeking knowledge. I have no time for distractions and this emotions are a distraction. Like Da vinci in Da Vinci's demons, one's ability to focus on something larger in life becomes a solid pillar of support.

I am constantly not focussed and easily distracted. Thus, it is nice for once, to be able to put all that distractions by acknowledging them as distractions. A simple definition redefines your focus. This past 5 months especially these month, I have learnt that people with authority change and sometimes wishing dead upon them and suffering is not a bad idea. But that is my frustration speaking. I have to remind myself that KARMA does a better job than I would.

At the same time, I learn that moving away from friends or what we assume are friends are necessary in order to focus more on what primarily motivates us. At this junction, I would feel upset and moved to tears with the thought of moving away from these friends. But today, I just don't really bother. I know people are replaceable and sometimes being maleficent is not so bad.

I guess the only person who truly sees the pain I am going through is my mother. Mothers have a certain way of knowing and yet, I feel the need to face my own emotional battles and put up a facade in front of her. I guess most single mothers do that all the time. Oh well, I don't know how, but I will start again.