Waiting for death

"It is so easy to wish for death when nothing is wrong with you!" - The Violin- Anne Rice.

Well that is so true right now. Yes, I have been planning to die for the past two weeks. The idea of death has been an interesting notion in my life. I entertain the thought. Why death you ask? Why not?

I am not planning to take my life away, that's just silly. Perhaps an invitation to death seem more appropriate. You know the kind where Death pays you a visit? A beautiful thought. I am still pondering how to send out the invitation to Death. How does one invite Death to visit you? I am not committing a sin by selling my soul or killing myself. That is just stupid. It must be taken away. You must be taken away like an old friend. And I wonder how?

It is annoying to go to work and pretend that everything is okay. It is annoying when your friends invite you out to talk and you really don't feel like seeing anyone. You just want to be left by yourself, in your contemplative thoughts listening to Mozart and Beethoven as you feel their anguish and yet the joys of being alive. The contrary of living.

Here I am contemplating leaving and life has decided that it wants you. I have just been nominated for a youth award and have just published my book chapter. I have been invited to sit in committees and acknowledged for the work I have done. Brilliant! It just comes in the time when I have no desire to live. A bribe from the Heavens to allow me to stay? I never wanted to be born in the first place. What makes them think I want to stay?

People I probably miss. I realised that there are two groups of people I will miss. The ones I have been a burden to (like my family who love me) and those whom I love and don't recognise the fact that I love them (hmm better not mention them because they should never know that I loved them, a pleasure they don't deserve). Oh well, I will get over them and they will too when I leave.

I love blogging because I bet no one reads my blog unless they are really stalking me. Lol! Just kidding, this is not a cry for help. Just my way of being me. Once in a while it is good to be myself and express it. Gothic I may sound but this is a nice way to practice writing and expressing certain ideas. After all I do intend to write and what more to explore it through a persona.

" But I always wished I was dead. It was a way to go on living" - The Violin- Anne Rice.