Lies

Lies and lies and nothing but lies.

We have been taught not to lie because it is bad. It will come back to haunt you. Then there are white lies. Lies you suddenly are told that are perfectly fine because they protect people from getting hurt. But we all know that there is only a small boundarie that define why we lie and why we think we lie.

The intention is never an easy one. I have lied but today these lies are in question. Where do I go with a white lie and how long can I lie? I was told that I am a complicated person. I agree and I see no point in being less than that. I lied. I lied about my own feelings to myself. I lied to someone about my feelings when I don't feel. I lied about my own search for myself. I lied and I am stuck.

I lie that I am in love. I lie that I want to travel because of work and romance when what I really want to do is to travel in search of myself. I lie about things even though it irritates me. I lie as if I understand someone when I don't really understand what he is talking about. I lie because I want to be free. I lie to get away from myself. I lie because I have a choice and I choose a complicated one.

Getting to know someone is usually the easiest part. But when life experiences teach you lessons you never wanted to learn, trust becomes an issue. Hurt becomes your companion. You can for example try explaining to a person what you are going through but he will never fully understand the complexity of your mind. I lie to try to be simple because that is the only way in which you can work with others. Someone told me once that I have to learn to be simple. What he is asking me to do is basically to lie to myself. How do I tell someone that I loathe the concept of simplifying my own life because it just takes the essence of 'me' out of me?

I sometimes wish I can say what I want to say to the person I want to say. But sometimes words are the easiest tool to break a beautiful relationship.

Lies, Lies, Lies